When I was a kid, we never had a clue what the year’s new cards would look like until you or someone you knew had bought some.
If you were lucky enough to find them first, you’d buy some packs and as soon as you were outside the store you’d open them and gaze upon the cards which would become the primary drain on many months’ worth of allowance.
These days I get tired of images that are tweeted months in advance. It was a lot more fun when I didn’t know in advance.
So with that in mind I figured it would be fun to handle the premiere of my custom 2014 set in the same way, as if –
Look over there by the cash register… Are those baseball cards?
They are! Hey, check out this pack!
I’m definitely buying these — aw, crap, I already spent my allowance… You got a buck I can borrow?
C’mon, let’s open ‘em up….
First card is a Cardinal. I remember this guy from the World Series last year.
Jimmy in my math class is a Tigers fan. I think he said that this guy was gonna get to play at third, after they move Cabrera over to first. Maaaaaaaaan, was he pissed off when they traded Prince Fielder. He’s like Jimmy’s favorite.
Cool, got a Met! I think this guy got hurt last year.
…and I got a Phillie. I don’t know much about this guy, though.
My big brother said that this is just the first series… There’s gonna be six series in the whole set.
Man, those Marlins uniforms suck. That big “M” on the cap is dorky.
Here’s one of those Asian guys. I never know how to say their names. “High-un Jin Ry-ooo?” Is that right? I dunno.
Hey, check out the gum…
I heard about this; serially-numbered, die-cut team logo bubble gum. Why would anybody put numbers on gum? It’s not like anyone’s gonna collect it.
What? No, it’s my pack, I get to chew the gum. I don’t care if you loaned me the money, it’s still my pack.
Mmmmm, this is good gum! It tastes like roast beef and a baked potato!
Now it’s dessert… Blueberries and cream!
Hey, why am I turning violet?
…one short trip to the Wonka Emergency Room later…
Sorry about that, dude. I didn’t know that would happen. Wanna see the rest of the pack?
You know one thing that makes these better than Topps? There’s nobody in this pack that’s already on another team. I always wonder why anyone would put a free agent into the first series.
Votto! He’s real good. Card number 50, I like when they give the good guys numbers like that.
I like Flaherty, but it’s gonna be weird without B-Rob on the Orioles. Whaddaya mean, “Who’s B-Rob?” B-Rob! Brian Roberts! My dad says he’s a bum for going to the Yankees.
This one’s a manager. Hey, this one’s different from the others. Instead of a regular card number, it’s numbered MC-2. I guess it’s not part of the regular set… I know Luke will like that, he hates manager cards.
I remember this guy, he used to play for the Orioles. He was supposed to be good, but he wasn’t.
“Lonnie”? You ever met anybody named Lonnie? Wonder where he’s from. Huh. North Carolina. Maybe there are more Lonnie’s down there.
It’s kind of weird that they used Brown and tan for the Padres cards. It’s not like the Padres are brown.
I like these cards, I’m gonna buy more after I get my allowance.
Yeah, yeah, after I give you your dollar back.